I Don’t Have A Title For This One

Tomorrow is the first day of March. That means I have a little less than four months before I leave Granville Center and head back to North Carolina. I guess the adjective “bittersweet” applies but I don’t know that it fully conveys what I am experiencing at the moment. We typically use it when there is a mixture of happy and sad thoughts connected with something. I can’t say that I am happy about leaving here and moving. I do miss Robin and Jamie terribly and I am ready to reunited with them but it’s not like I’m happy with this transition. I have begrudgingly accepted it as the best thing for my family right now. I can honestly say that I have peace with it and I am doing my best to remain joyful through it. That doesn’t mean I’m happy. At the same time, I am not completely happy here either. It has nothing to do with my church family or the area. I am not happy because my soul mate is not here with me. I am lonely. I miss her. I am trying to stay busy with church and New Beginnings but that doesn’t erase the fact that I climb into an empty bed every night. I don’t like that at all.

I guess the best word for all this might be “limbo” because it suggests that I am awaiting resolution. There is uncertainty and indecision as to what the future holds. I know where we will be living but I have no idea what I’m going to be doing. Robin has a job and Jamie is starting to get situated but there is a big question mark when it comes to me. I don’t know if I will be able to find another congregation to serve or if I will end up in the secular work force again. I guess I can always go back to Walmart and it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Even if I knew for certain there is still the fact that we are leaving Chris here. We struggled back in 2013 when we made the decision to leave Geo in North Carolina. We second guessed ourselves often. We made peace with it but we never really liked it. We did get a daughter-in-law and a grandson out of it but that doesn’t mean it was easy or fun. Those same feelings are weighing down on us now as we face the prospect of being that far away from Chris. We are doing our best to make peace with it but we don’t like it.

There are days when I feel like I sacrificed my family back in 2005 when I went back to school. It seems our lives have been in constant upheaval ever since. We had three years of moderate stability while we were in Elizabeth City but then there was one chaotic move after another. There was another brief period from 2010-2013 before we came up here but there was still turbulence and uncertainty. Then came the decision to come here and leave Geo behind. That was hard and even though we did have difficulties after moving here I never planned to leave. This became home and I couldn’t imagine leaving. I know we’re moving back to where we’re from (for the most part) but it doesn’t feel like home. Our families have changed so much and our lives are so different now. It will be nice being closer to family but it will take some time to ever feel like I am at home again.

I didn’t really have a good reason to write all of this other than to get it out. This is cheaper than therapy. I am trying to live out Proverbs 3:5-6 right now.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not rely on your own understanding;
in all your ways know him,
and he will make your paths straight.

If there is someone out there actually reading may I be bold and ask you to keep my family and my church family in your prayers. We can really use it and we will appreciate it.

Grace and peace.